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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26431201">Learning how to breathe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkimtired/pseuds/idkimtired'>idkimtired</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I love him, recovering from trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:54:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26431201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkimtired/pseuds/idkimtired</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin Day is not okay. He’s gonna try to be.</p><p> </p><p>Runs parallel to another one of my fics (infinite sky) if u squint</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kevin Day/happiness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rikos funeral is a rainy Thursday. </p><p>Andrew doesn’t want him to go, cold, dangerously still, anger clear at the briefest mention of the name. Neil doesn’t want him to go either - <em>he doesn’t even deserve a funeral Kevin.</em> Jean... the look on Jeans face after mentioning him ensured that Kevin wouldn’t ever again. Not that Jean was talking to Kevin. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He knows. The problem, or part of it, is that he knows. He’s not stupid. He knows that Riko broke his hand, that he fucking tortured Jean, he’s been told enough times that they’re relationship went beyond toxic. He knows. But... they were kids once. Kevin can remember them being kids. Brothers, Riko had said and Kevin had believed him. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>So he goes alone. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He doesn’t tell them, doesn’t tell anyone, but he goes. Forces himself into a black suit with trembling hands in the early hours of the morning and slips out into the grey light and misty drizzle to hire a taxi, shivering in the spring cold and wishing the sun would just rise already. Leaves them still sleeping behind him as he settles into the backseat. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>It’s a long drive. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Kevins dark glower keeps the driver from speaking to him but can’t stop the sneaking looks at the tattoo on his cheekbone. And even the sickening tiredness of early morning wake ups can’t drag his anxious mind back to sleep, shoulders tightening at the sound of each car passing by and each pause at a traffic light. He turns off his phone. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>All of the Ravens are there. Matching black suits, solemnly glaring in neat organized lines, the Master standing at the front talking to ex-Ravens in serious tones. Kevin doesn’t even know most of their names. For the first time, he wonders if Thea will be there. He wonders if the Master cares at all, quickly concluding that no, not at all, except maybe what it means for his team, his publicity. He wonders if any of them care, Rikos old teammates, <em>his</em> old teammates, were they even surprised? He wonders if he should leave. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Flexing the fingers in his left hand and fixing his tie with a swallow, he tries to think. He needs to avoid the press. They’re everywhere, nosy, eager cameras pressed into everyone’s faces, outstretched microphones and loud suspicious questions. He hides in a corner behind a bouquet of enormous black and red flowers. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The ceremony starts slowly, long words and drawn out walks down the church isle with dramatic talks of souls and goodness, like Riko believed in either. What should he feel hearing these people talk about the boy who was supposed to be his brother, seeing his casket lifted down the isle? Angry? Happy? Sad? Relieved?</p><p>He just feels empty.</p><p>Its like there’s too much bottled up in his trembling fingers and collapsing lungs to be felt. He can’t deal with it, with all of it, with any of it, so he doesn’t. His brain has decided to shut that all down leaving loud static in its place.</p><p>Kevins fine with that.</p><p>He watches it all play out, numb, as if from very far away and when it’s over he gets up to leave, desperately needing a drink. Did he really think that this was somehow going to make anything feel real? Did he really think anything would ever just make sense?</p><p>Hes stopped in the car park, so so close to making it out. He can<em> see</em> the exit. Malcolm sneers, one hand caught on Kevins elbow, tight enough to hurt. Riko would have hit him, <em>dont touch my property. </em>Kevin can’t even bring himself to care. He just wants to go to bed. Maybe never come back out. Until the other man takes another step forward to shove his face into Kevins.</p><p>“Day.” Kevin takes a step backwards, trying to shake his arm away but Malcolm grips it tighter. Trying to keep back a panicked laugh, Kevin notes that it’s become strange that a threat his his height instead of several feet shorter. “How dare you show up here now?” Snarled. Kevins breathing hitches as he tries to dislodge himself. Fuck. He should’ve just listened to the midgets. <br/>
“This is your fault.” Kevin freezes. “We would be alive if you stayed. <em>We would have won.</em>” It is immediately clear which one Malcolm cares about. Enough to be breaking Raven hierarchy. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Let go.” Kevin often wishes he was half as threatening as Andrew or suicidingly confident as Neil. Hell he would even appreciate some of that wild anger Jean had first arrived with. But he’s just Kevin Day and the best he can manage is a bitter, contempted sneer, too weak to be taken seriously. Malcolm laughs. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“You don’t even deny it?”</p><p>No. He doesn’t. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Malcolm!” someone calls from the church behind them and his grip loosens as he turns away instinctively to see who it is. Kevin tears himself away and this time he’s running away as he leaves. Again. Still running away. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He really needs a drink. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>By the time he answers one of Coach Wymacks calls, the room around him is blurry, swimming out of focus to fixate only on certain things like the pretty pink liquid in his neighbors glass. He’s too drunk to think through turning his phone back on. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Where the hell are you?”</p><p>”I missed practice.” Kevin doesn’t think he’s ever missed practice a single day in his life while being in a dit enough condition to play. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Fuck Ke- are you drunk?”</p><p>”Yes.” Kevin burries his head in his arms as he begin to cry. “A bit.” <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“More than a bit.” Kevin doesn’t have an answer to that, nor is he bothered enough to find one. “Where are you kid?” <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“I don’t know.” The closest bar to the funeral. He hadn’t even looked at the name. “A dump.”</p><p>”Day.”</p><p>”I went to the funeral.” It feels good to say it, viciously slurring it into the bright screen in his hand. “They dropped him down down down. Not far a-fucking-nough. Six feet under Coach. That’s it. I’m the best. Tada!”</p><p>A moment of silence. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Pass me the barman Day.” He almost says no out of sheer spite. But he’s got enough sense left about him to not want to be kicked out of the team. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Stay there,” says Wymack when Kevin gets the phone back, “Don’t move do you hear me? Or you’re benched for the rest of the season. Goddamit Kevin.”</p><p>A neat click as the call ends. Kevin stares down dumbly at his phone. He orders another drink. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The rest of the night happens as a hazy blur of small snatches of memory that end after his father picks him up, half carrying him out, cursing him the entire time. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He wakes up at the Coach’s house with one of his worst ever headaches. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Summer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The season ends.</p>
<p>"Summer holidays!" howls Nicky with a laugh and a grin, slinging an arm around Kevin's shoulders and lifting a beer.</p>
<p>Of course it ends.</p>
<p>Matt cheers in agreement, lifting Dan up into his shoulders as he starts to chant for a speech.</p>
<p>Over for the entire summer.</p>
<p>"Congrats on making it alive and without murdering anyone, please keep it up throughout the summer," Dan waves a finger at them all with a laugh before reaching down to steal Matt's drink.</p>
<p>What is he going to do for a whole summer?</p>
<p>"Beautiful," Nicky wipes away a fake tear and turns to Kevin, "Hey lighten up man, it's summer! Do you - you don't have a drink!" He gasps dramatically, putting a hand to his heart in pretend astonishment. "Here." Kevin accepts the coloured cup without asking what's inside and chugs, hoping it's strong.</p>
<p>One whole summer.</p>
<p>He accepts the second cup Alison offers him. And the third. And the forth. He accepts every one he's handed.</p>
<p>Of course he does.</p>
<p>The night passes in flashes.  A giggling cheerleader. A drinking game. Bright lights and loud music. Stumbling out into the dark because he needs to breath, the walls suddenly pressing down, suffocating, trapping. Throwing up on the sidewalk. Somehow ending up in the court. Deciding to stay. </p>
<p>Summer.</p>
<p>What is he supposed to do for that long?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kevin can't find Neil. Or Andrew for that matter. Its midnight and they've disappeared away somewhere and frankly he doesn't want to know but really. Really. Neil is the one person who Kevin thought could be relied upon to actually play during the summer. But no apparently. So he's drilling alone.</p>
<p>God, Kevin fucking hates summer.</p>
<p>It didnt used to matter. Summer. Summer didn't used to make a difference. It just meant that there weren't any matches. And most of the team left. And - ok maybe it did make a difference. But not as much. Him and Riko and Jean continued on as normal, routine unbroken by the loss of their other players, holidays a concept no one had bothered to explain to Riko. Now... Kevin has so much <em>time</em>. What is he supposed to do with that? He smashes the ball blindly with as much force as possible and watches it hurtle from wall to wall. Eric's coming from Germany and Nicky wants them all to go on a road trip. A road trip. He would rather stay behind than be unable to play. Even if no one wants to play with him. He scowls and kicks a cone. Fucking summer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Take a break," says Nicky.</p>
<p>"I don't care if he comes, stop trying to bribe me into talking to him," says Aaron.</p>
<p>"It'll be fun," says Nicky.</p>
<p>"Nice to meet you," says Eric.</p>
<p>"We'll bring the raquets," says Neil.</p>
<p>"Junkie," says Andrew.</p>
<p>"Whatever," says Kevin.</p>
<p>He brings the racquets. And the balls. And the cones. And his gear. He tries to bring spares but Nicky stops him, under protest that they don't have that much space in the car. Andrew watches the argument from the front porch, chomping on popcorn with a dead expression. Kevin might hate them all a little. He storms off and brings a history of the usa tour book instead.</p>
<p>They go to the coast. Kevin can't really say he can see the appeal, mistrustful of the oceans crashing waves, all too eager to drag them all out to open sea to drown. He steers clear, fighting away memories of water and what it feels like to hear someone else drowning. But even Neil and Andrew seem to be enjoying themselves, disappearing off for hours on walks down the endless stretches of beach and Aaron, usually a garenteed partner in just hating everything, spends his days with Katlyn as far away from them as he can get. So Kevin spends a lot of time lying on his bedroom floor with a bottle of whatever he can find and old exy matches playing as loudly as possible in the background.</p>
<p>It's ok.</p>
<p>But it's a relief when they leave.</p>
<p>He starts planning for the next season.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TRIGGER WARNING : attempted suicide (not described in detail but it's talked about)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything is going to be okay. Kevin looks down at his clenched knuckles and tells himself that if he says it enough it'll be true. Everything will be okay. He's going to be okay. </p><p>He needs a drink.</p><p>Okay.</p><p>Okay.</p><p>Okay.</p><p>The hospital lights are too harsh, too bright, for this late at night, the place too sterile for his prickling eyes. Another nurse hurries past with a wisp of a white coat, quick footsteps echoing down the silent hallway. Another emergency, another life. Kevin wonders how Aaron can stand these places, wonders if he's the only one who feels suffocated in these lifeless, tired corridors. </p><p>He checks his phone. Nothing. Cursing Neil and his apparent phobia of phones and just goddanm picking up when you needed him, he calls Andrew. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kevin counts the minutes it takes Neil to turn up - too long, how is it taking that long? At the other end of the hall, a business women watches his with pursed lips. He tries to stop his leg from tapping. </p><p>37 minutes. </p><p>Ok.</p><p>Everything will be ok.</p><p>"Where is he?" Kevin jumps, looking up with an expression he's sure is a little crazed. Neil frowns. He's arrived.</p><p>Ok. </p><p>Ok.</p><p>Kevin nods to the door facing him. "We're not allowed in."</p><p>"How did he do it?" asks Andrew with near clinical detachment as he observes the closed door, head tilted to the side. Kevin feels sick.</p><p>"Pain meds. He was -" Kevin needs to take a shuddering breath, intertwining his fingers to make them stop trembling, '- he stocked them up, hid them from Abby and then uh well yeah he." Kevin waves at the door, returning his hand quickly to his lap. Neil frowns again. Kevin really can't take either of them saying something emotionless and insensitive right now.</p><p>"Where's coach?" Questions. This is good, questions, he can answer these. Good. Better than doing nothing.</p><p>"He's talking to the doctor with Abby. He wants the team here to sign a confidentiality paper." Kevin buries his head in his hands. "They want to know about the scars."</p><p>"I'll talk to them." Andrew has an unpleasant look in his eyes and Kevin can't remember why he thought inviting him to a hospital was a good idea.</p><p>"No. You won't. It's fine, they agreed to sign." Wymack looks wrecked and beside him Abby looks worse, red eyed and pale. "Kevin?" Kevin's head jerks up fast enough to hurt. "He's awake. Go talk to him." He considers protesting. But he's tired and he has things to say that he won't have the courage to tomorrow. He nods. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kevin has seen Jean in a hospital bed more times than he can count, more times than he ever wants to. But it's always been a relief. That he was allowed to go a doctor this time, that it wasn't up to Kevin to try to piece him together, but a professional who knew what they were doing.</p><p> This is not a relief. </p><p> It's not even the first time he's seeing Jean in a hospital bed for this reason. But he though this was over. He thought it was all finally finally over. </p><p> He takes a breath.</p><p> It's going to be ok.</p><p> Jean blinks at him through heavy lids, looking still only half conscious. He's going to be ok. Kevin is not good at this, thinking of what to say, saying it. </p><p> "What the fuck Moreau?" He goes for the easy option. He's really bad at this.</p><p> Jean blinks again. He's still high Kevin realizes, a pressure building in his chest at the beeping of the machines and the familiar scene. It's over. He had thought it was over. Ok. Jean scowls up at him through his still bruised face, somehow managing to radiate his usual aura of anger and cold disdain from a hospital bed surrounded by machines doing their best to keep his heart still beating. It's a learnt skill Kevin knows, that cold facade, but he no longer knows how to get behind it. And Jean no longer knows how to let him.</p><p> "Get out."</p><p> How is this going even worse than Kevin thought it was going to go? How had he already messed up? Why - it's okay. It's going to be ok. Deep breaths.</p><p> "Jean-" </p><p> "Just leave me alone Day." The worst part is he doesn't even sound angry or... or anything, just tired and horse, eyes already closing again and head already turning away as if he expects Kevin to leave without trying at all. Kevin hates that he still feels so small all the time, even with Riko gone. </p><p> "Jean, listen to me - it over-" it's over, it's over, it's over "- we can move-" </p><p> "Don't tell me to move on and get over it," Jean interupts and now he's mad, now at least that tired dullness is replaced by anger hot enough to burn him from across the room. "You don't get to say that Day." Right, that's.... Right. </p><p> "That doesn't mean you can't live." Kevin's been trying so hard to learn that and he's determined to keep it close. "You let him win, Jean, if-"</p><p> "He won a long time ago with me."</p><p> They stare at each other across the hospital room and Kevin doesn't have anything left to say to that. Jean was right to not want to play with the Foxes, he realises, was right when he said that he and Kevin could not play together again. But he hadn't realized that Jean didnt want to play at all. Or maybe he had just been shoving it to the back of his mind with all of the memories that were strangling Jean.</p><p> "Just leave me alone Day, you didn't have a problem with it for an entire year so why pretend to care now? Go back to your career."</p><p> "What did you want me to do? Would you have stayed if you were in my place?" Kevin is not brave enough not crazy enough to have stayed in the nest for anyone. Its over now. He left. He left and he knows he left Jean behind, but he also knows that he couldn't have taken him with him.</p><p> "I wanted to know you were alive for first few months Day! All it would have taken was a fucking text but I guess you were busy with your fans." Jean is a hurt and angry animal backed into a cage with sharp teeth and a whipped back from cruel punishments. Each word is sharp and acidic and cuts deep into Kevin's stomach. </p><p> " I I thought it would be worse if u contacted you, that that he would punish you for it or it something and -" Kevin knows he's making excuses. Jean doesn't look impressed.</p><p> "I was punished anyway Day. Get out."</p><p> "Jean-"</p><p> "Leave!"</p><p> He leaves.</p><p>Wymack opens his mouth to ask but Kevin stumbles past, shaking his head. Shaking everything actually, he's shaking so hard he has to wrap his arms around himself to make sure he won't fall into thousands of tiny little pieces. </p><p>He goes straight to the bathroom at the end of the hall to throw up, heaving the entire contents of his stomach up and trying his best not to cry.</p><p>It's going to be ok. </p><p>It's going to be ok.</p><p>He gasps out a breath. Ok. </p><p>Andrew is waiting for him outside with a slightly raised eyebrow. Kevin really can't deal with his empathy right now.</p><p>"No Minyard, just - don't." Hes infinitally greatfully when Andrew just shrugs and follows him silently back up the hall, a solid unwavering support just behind him. </p><p>It's going to be okay.</p><p> It's going to be okay.</p><p> It's going to be okay.</p><p> </p><p>"Neil's talking to him," says Wymack with a concerned look, though at the thought of Neil and Jean being alone in a room together or at the state of Kevin, Kevin isn't sure. Either would be valid he supposes. Kevin nods. </p><p> </p><p>He leaves Jeremy Knox a voicemail, replying to an earlier text he hadn't known what to say to, telling the Trojan captain that he can come see Jean at Abby's before his holidays if he wants. He hesitates over wether he should add some sort of warning but he's too tired to try to voice it nicely so he hits send with a sigh. Knox should know what he's going to be dealing with before the next season starts. And maybe he convince Jean of something Kevin can't. At least enough for the backliner to survive the summer. </p><p>Deep breaths. </p><p> </p><p>"He'll come back to Abby's after he's allowed out," announces Neil so he comes out of the room, "And he said he'll stop trying to kill himself." Kevin winces. </p><p>"Have you considered going into life coaching?" asks Andrew, "You seem to have a talent."</p><p>"Shush," says Wymack, " I'm not putting up with you right now." Andrews fakes an offended expression before going back to picking at his nails with a bored expression. "Alright, bed all of you - or campus anyway, who knows what the hell you're all doing in those dorms. Now!"</p><p> </p><p>Kevin has Andrew leave him at the court instead. The sun is starting to rise as he sets up a drill for his right hand.</p><p> </p>
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